I used to force everything in my life.
It was exhausting. It was frustrating. And it actually created more problems, even when I thought I was solving them.
One major area of life this affected was my intimate relationships (or lack thereof at many points lol).
When I was a teenager, I was deeply insecure. Fear and anxiety were my default states. Through years of feeling unseen and overlooked by my peers and girls, I became more and more desperate for validation from those groups.
This led me down paths of playing into roles for attention, like partying a lot. I would do things out of desperation, just for a “hit” of attention. I also had overwhelming social anxiety, so a lot of these attempts at attention came when I was drinking (no inhibitions).
Fast forward to post-college. I was living in New York City, and although I was on my “spiritual path”, I was still carrying these validation attachments. I had an obsession with fitness, to make my body muscular enough to feel worthy. This created another mask. This one was propped up by exaggerated confidence. I swaggered around NYC bars like I was the best thing since Pokemon, but I still got rejected left and right.
That mask was not me. Not at all. I’m a goofy softy, not a tough guy with swagger. Plus, that kind of egotism is repelling. No wonder why most women I talked to weren’t into it.
I was also addicted to online dating. I had profiles on all the sites and apps. I carefully crafted each so that I looked as good and interesting as possible. I thought that finding my soulmate, or even hooking up with certain women, would make me happy and fulfilled. I probably spent 7-8 hours per week on online dating sites/apps. That’s like a part-time job.
It’s kind of laughable now, how much effort I put into being someone I’m not, just for some external validation.
It took lots of inner work for me to cultivate a good amount of love within. I’m still learning how to be the source of love, happiness, validation, joy…etc. When you reach a tipping point of being your own source of love, you no longer need to force and chase things. Forcing and chasing comes from believing that your sense of happiness (or love) depends on getting something.
Eventually, I got to a point where I made a definitive agreement with myself. I basically said, “I don’t need to chase. I don’t need to go on dating apps or go to bars. I’m just going to be completely myself. And I trust that I will attract the most amazing partner.” About a month after that, Nicole and I started dating.
There is no external prescription or technique to start attracting rather than forcing and chasing. All that is required is to shift your belief from lack and unfulfillment, to a deep conviction that your soul is the source of love and fulfillment.
Everything mirrors your dominant beliefs. When you operate out of love and fulfillment, you both attract and decode more of that in your reality. From here, your actions will unfold naturally, from a flowing, inspired place, not from forcing or chasing.
Ease up. It’s all good. Even in the face of imperfections and darkness, there’s always a silver lining. Trust the wholeness of your Heart. Live from your Higher Self, not your lower self.
There’s no need to force. There’s no need to chase. You are fulfilled as you are, and you will continue to experience unique reflections of that.
I love you.
~ Stephen Parato
