Announcement: There’s a Feelin’ Good, Feelin’ Great course on Assertiveness on the way soon. It’s gonna be a game-changer. Keep an eye out for it.
Assertiveness was always something that I struggled with throughout my life. My assertiveness was almost non-existent until fairly recently (I’ve come a looong way since). I still even have to push myself to be assertive in some situations, but I always force myself into action regardless. And as a result of this, I’ve honed an acute awareness and expertise on the subject.
Here’s a lil story to start off:
It was the first time I ordered food by myself. I was probably 8 or 9 years old and in the mall with my mom. I wanted something from McDonald’s in the food court. So she gave me a couple bucks and I timidly made my way to the register. I remember being so nervous about whether I was in the right line, even though it was blatantly obvious. When it was my turn to order, all I got out was “small fry” in a weak, crackling voice. The guy at the register laughed (that is pretty funny by the way) and I turned around and ran back to my mom crying. The end.
That pretty much epitomizes how non-existent my assertiveness was throughout childhood and early adulthood. I couldn’t even step up to a counter and order food for myself. And there’s a lot more where that came from too.
But anyways…
Let’s get this party started.
An Intro to Assertiveness:
If you don’t go after what you want, you’ll never get it. If you don’t ask, the answer is always no. You miss 100% of shots you don’t take. If you don’t step forward, you’ll always remain in the same place.
With that being said…
You don’t have to be selfish to do this. You don’t have to be an asshole to be assertive.
My definition of assertiveness is simply “self-assured action.”
It’s taking action based on your own intuition and judgment. Action based on your needs, wants, and desires. Assertiveness is confidence in action.
And genuine assertiveness comes from a balanced place. Someone who is genuinely assertive is not going to assert themselves to the detriment of others. They take action based on sound judgement.
The relationship between assertiveness and sound judgement is like driving a car. You are the car. Your judgement controls the car via steering and braking (moral compass, right?). And assertiveness is the acceleration. If you have steering with no acceleration, you won’t go anywhere. If you have acceleration with no steering, sure you’ll go somewhere, but you’re gonna end up hitting something (and destroying your car too).
Why you need to be assertive:
We’re all brilliantly unique. We all have the opportunity to create our own reality. Assertiveness is what brings this to fruition.
Assertiveness is life in motion. Assertiveness throws passivity out the window, and creates a proactive life. Think about it this way. Are you going to have better life experiences by sitting and waiting for things to happen, or by taking action and making things happen? Yeah, thought so.
Assertiveness is so important because it’s the only way you get anything in life!
Stop saying yes to things you really don’t want to do. Stop letting people take advantage of you. Stop being a victim. Stop concealing how you really feel. Stop shying away from what you really want to do. Stop living someone else’s life instead of your own. Stop letting opportunities pass.
When you’re not assertive, you’re at the mercy of external forces. When you are assertive, you become the master of your reality.
Literally everything you do in life requires some degree of assertiveness. From standing up out of a chair to changing careers, and everything in between. Recognize that honing your assertiveness will greatly enhance your life, especially when it comes to taking action.
Extremes are no good:
Most people operate on the extremes of the assertiveness spectrum. They’re either a complete pushover (the majority of people) or they have an exaggerated sense of entitlement. Both are far from ideal. We must create balance.
How not being assertive can actually make you an asshole:
Kindness and assertiveness are not mutually exclusive. They go hand-in-hand when assertiveness is balanced. I call this the “kindness/assertiveness dynamic.”
If someone is harassing someone (verbally or physically), are you going to step in and resolve it? (non-violently, hopefully) Or sit and let it happen?
If someone drops something on the street, are you going to pick it up and give it back to them? Or do nothing because it’s too much effort, or because you’re afraid of standing out from the crowd?
If you routinely see someone, but don’t know them, are you going to at least say hi and acknowledge them? Or pretend like they don’t exist?
If you’re sitting on a crowded train, and an elderly person gets on, or you going to be the one to offer your seat? Or blend in with the crowd and pretend like he/she isn’t there?
Assertiveness empowers you to drive situations in a positive direction.
Assertiveness helps everything else fall into place:
You don’t need a pickup line to get the girl. You don’t need a script to nail a job interview. That all comes naturally once you build confidence and assertiveness.
You can give Steve Urkel the best pickup line in the world, but it probably won’t work without any genuine confidence to back it up. Develop balanced confidence and assertiveness, and you don’t need the metaphorical pickup line in any situation.
You will navigate through life based on your own judgement and intuition. You will adapt to each unique situation.
How to step up your assertiveness game (the general guidelines):
1. Build confidence- Empower yourself and build balanced confidence. Learn to trust yourself. View yourself as equal to everyone else. Be comfortable in your own skin.
You can achieve this by accumulating small victories on a daily basis. Check off an item on your to-do list, and you’ll feel more confident. Set goals and work towards them. Do this on a consistent basis and you’ll build skills, an interesting personality, and unshakable confidence over time.
The easiest and most effective form of small victories for most people will come from your body. Change your body, and your mind state will change. Make physical improvements that you can literally see, and you can’t help but feel good about yourself. That’s why physical transformations are so popular. It’s so damn empowering on every level.
2. Change your limiting beliefs- Be aware of your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and the stories you tell yourself. Get rid of limiting beliefs. Choose empowering beliefs and thought patterns. Embrace your uniqueness and choose to propel yourself in the right direction.
“Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t–you’re right.” -Henry Ford
3. Take action- Stop procrastinating. Stop sitting on the sidelines. Live an action based life. Nothing gets done without action. Start by taking small actions daily. This will build the habit of consistent action taking. Remember, big changes are actually a series of smaller changes. Make consistent action a habit, no matter how small. It all adds up over time.
(The detailed, step-by-step method of building assertiveness will be laid out in the upcoming course.)
Be a hero:
When you’re assertive, and live a life of action based on your own judgment, you become a creator. You build influence with yourself and the world around you.
You become empowered, which in turn inspires those around you to do the same.
Think about a parent. If they’re strong, it is empowering for a child, and the child aspires to be like them. If the parent is weak, it’s disempowering for the child. We’re social beings, and we all greatly influence each other. Every mood is contagious. Spread positivity and strength.
Assertiveness allows you to be a hero in your own unique way.
The world has way too many benchwarmers. Your number is being called. Get in the game and start playing.
This post is just the warm-up. The real game begins when the course is released. Look out for it in the (very) near future. More announcements to come.
Stay feelin’ good, feelin’ great.
-Stevie P!
